Woes of the ugly stepchild

Well, of course my in-laws did it again. I have to remember that their birthdays and things of the sort aren't about me, but I am so tired of always being the last to know about events, dinners, etc or being completely forgotten about! I am trying so hard to be stress-free, and I really shouldn't let small things like being told about a dinner party 4 hours before it happens get to me....but they do. I take things really personally, and I can't help it. That's just who I am. I know that they're scatter-brained and things like that are put together last second, but it seems like everyone else knew about it except J and I. Would you like to know how I found out about my brother-in-law's birthday party?

Well Jenn and I had been recently talking about taking pictures of her and her family this Saturday, but up until yesterday, I still hadn't her from her about it. So I texted her with "Hey, have you talked to Jack about pictures Saturday? J's co-worker was wondering if I could come to a mary kay party that morning, and I told her I had to talk to you first since I know you wanted to take pics" She texts me back with "We don't have to take pictures. I haven't been able to talk to him about it." HOW HAVE YOU NOT BEEN ABLE TO TALK ABOUT IT IN THE LAST 2 WEEKS? Come on, really? If it's that hard to communicate with your husband, you should not be in that relationship. And I could just smell guilt trip coming from that text like it stunk like crap. I texted her back with "Really? I don't mind taking pictures. Just let me know what Jack says, I'll let J's coworker know by tomorrow afternoonish. So of course, I never heard from her. I let it go, I decided to give up that Saturday morning and not go to J's co-worker's thing, and just waited to see what Jenn said. I ended up caving in this morning with a text saying "Hey, I don't have to do the mary kay thing anymore, so if you want to take pictures we can." And she replies "Okay, sounds good, I'll talk to him tonight. And I'll see you tonight anyway."

What??

I texted back "You mean you'll call me tonight? Am I missing something?"

"We're having dinner at (insert mother in law's name here, we'll call her Mary) for Jack's birthday, I'll call you later."

So there. That was the first time I heard about it. I asked J if he knew anything about it, and all he knew was that his mom said to him yesterday "Oh, you can't go to the party tomorrow cause you're working huh?" assuming of course he already knew about it. He didn't, but he played it off like he did, which I don't understand. He didn't bother to tell me because he thought I already knew about it. Well I didn't!

Mary texts me today saying "Hey Melonhead! Will we see you today after work ?"

I text back with "I just found out about dinner, I'll be late."

Mary: "Oh! I thought I sent you a text yesterday but I guess I didn't hit send....forgive me please??"

Me: "It's okay. I just get frustrated because I feel like the ugly stepchild that is always the last to know everything or gets completely forgotten about. I have an appt at 430, will be there after."

Mary: "We'll see you then and even if you feel that way it's not true."

That was the end of that. Why do I get my feels hurt so easily? Am I stupid and irrational? Good thing I have an acupuncture appointment today!

Some things that make me feel more relaxed and some things that make me happy when it comes to fall....

Pumpkins!

Last rose of the year

Fallen leaves

Crochet

New friends? I think yes!

All last week, I knew that Sunday was going to be a test of my patience. Sunday consisted of 1) taking senior photos in the morning in Ethel, which is 60 miles south of where I live, at a dairy farm. 2) My cousin-in-law's 30th birthday at 3pm and 3) a pumpkin party at J's co-worker's house in Buckley, about 45 mins from where we live. So, a lot of driving around, dealing with family, and dealing with people I don't know.

The pictures weren't too bad, the worst part was just how stinky the place was. The pictures had the nice rustic, farm look, which I don't usually get to capture, so that was nice.

The party was supposed to be "low-key" and yeah, it wasn't. The entire family was there, which is fine, but overwhelming. Oh, so side story-my sister-in-laws and I were all trying this new way of curling our hair without heat, and it actually turns out pretty cute. We told my mother in law about it, and yesterday she had run into Kelly at the store. At the birthday party, me, Jen, and my mother-in-law were sitting together (kelly didn't go), and my mother in law says, "oh! I saw Kelly at the store today and that no-heat curl looks really good on her! She has the perfect hair for it, just like you." She was looking at Jenn. Not really sure why she said that but it kind of hurt my feelings. I'm sure she didn't mean for it to be rude and I'm sure she thought it was cute on me too....but come on, think about what you say!

The pumpkin party was great! We didn't know anybody else but J's co-worker, but they were fun people. We had cider, carved pumpkins, and had a ping pong tournament. I beat J. ;) it was good times, and I really think they'll become some good friends of ours. We get along really well and they were already talking about having us over for Christmas. :)

So all in all, I held it together. At least the pumpkin party was the last of it. But I was super extremely tired when I got home! Here is to less stress!

Writing down my prayers

Have you read "the Help" ? If not, you should, it's a great book! In the book, Aibileen writes in her prayer book because she believes it makes her prayers stronger. Well, I started my own prayer book only because I really really suck at saying my prayers out loud and even in my head. I'm sure God doesn't care, but I think I sound stupid. But writing them down really helps me not only remember what I prayed about, but it lets me look back to see what prayers were answered. Not that I'm trying to double check God or anything, and He knows that, it's just kind of nice to see. Sometimes you take for granted what prayers are actually answered, so it's nice to have something concrete. Here are a few things that He's answered for me lately:

1) I prayed for less stress: The beginning of the week was tough with super demanding clients and tons of work piling up on my desk, but I believe God was helping me find patience. I found myself reminding myself to calm down and relax, and take a few deep breaths. This was probably God talking to me :) The end of the week has been much better. It's been slow at work, which has given me some time to catch up and relax a bit. Next week I will be in full swing!

2) I prayed to not feel so left out with my sister-in-laws: Its funny, like I mentioned before, Ken and Kelly have been spending a lot of time with us lately, and I haven't been annoyed! They have also given us enough time alone to where I don't feel like I'm being smothered. Also, Jenn called me today after work and wanted to chat because she was feeling anxious about a doctors appointment. (without giving too much detail, she was just scared she had a small hormonal dysfunction) We had a good talk, and honestly, I was pretty surprised she called me to talk about this. Since she was feeling crappy and anxious (and since I know all about anxiety and it's many splendors), I did the good sister-in-law deed, grabbed some chocolate, and went over to her house for the evening to cheer her up. I think her hormonal thing will be pretty small, but it was nice to have a humane conversation with her. It's been awhile since we've done so.

3) I prayed for a co-worker who was having a rough time with his family and needed to find a place ASAP: Well he found an apartment pretty fast and is really happy!

4) I prayed for Sola and that she could overcome some anxiety she was having at work: from her last post, I think she might have! :)

5) I prayed I could be a better wife: in conjunction with my first prayer, I've found myself less stressed, less angry, and irritable, and more excited to do things around the house. Last week, we got a bunch of stuff done around the house. I cooked and cleaned and was feeling more energized, and still am!

6) I prayed for pregnancy: we shall see, but I know this will eventually happen. Kind of a big prayer :)

Anyway, now I am praying for my cat to not keep me up forever just because he's hungry. :)

Bleh

I have not been very good at de-stressing lately. I've had a rough couple days with getting back into the swing of things with work, and I've realized that I really don't like to manage! I will write more tomorrow when I have some alone time.

Blehhhhhhhhh :)

Fertility junk

Wow, sorry for my absence the last few days! My computer has not been friendly, and I have been extremely busy.

Let's see...what's been going on?? Well, Friday I had an ultrasound done to check my follicles...and I had two wonderful 20mm follies ready to go! So, the nurse gave me a trigger shot (OUCH, this particular nurse I swear just likes to stab people) to stimulate ovulation, and the next day I went to Seattle to had an IUI (intrauterine insemination) done.

I won't go into too much detail about the IUI because J would probably kill me, but it definitely wasn't my favorite experience. Basically in the morning, J went in and did his thing, and then 90 minutes later I went and had my part done. Essentially, it's like doing a pap smear with the speculum and everything, then they insert a tiny catheter through your cervix into your uterus and inject the sperm directly in. It didn't really hurt so to speak, but it was definitely not comfortable. That's pretty much it. I probably worked myself up over it for nothing. So hopefully, especially with two good follicles and an IUI this time, we'll have some better chances!

On a sadder note, today was my first day back to work after a week long vacation. Fortunately, it was only a half day (I work this Saturday, so I was compensating for it) and I had an acupuncture appointment this afternoon. It was a slow day, I didn't have to help too many people and surprisingly didn't have much to catch up on since I worked on all of it before I left. Acupuncture was really good and really relaxing today. It was a light treatment, but again, really good.

We've spent a lot of time with Kelly and Ken the past couple of days, and it hasn't been too bad. We had dinner last night, and Kelly and I worked on a couple crafty things in my new happy room. :) It was nice and relaxing...We did see them tonight at my mother in law's house since J was getting his hair cut by Ken (and for some reason they had to do it at their mom's??), and I kind of felt like it was time to take some time away from them again. Haha. I guess I'm just not one of those people that can spend a ton of time with the same people over and over again. Here are a few things I've realized about myself the last few weeks:

- I'm a much better friend on a one-on-one level, I can't really be myself in large social settings
- I love my in-laws, but have realized that I'm very different than them
- I think I am most like my mother-in-law, but she has to play roles that inhibit her from being who she really is, so I'm not really sure
- I love love love tea
- I love the fall because it makes me love tea more
- I have 2 things in my life that many people don't have: A best friend that TRULY knows everything about me and doesn't judge me, and a husband that TRULY wants me to be happy and loves me for who I am. These sound simple, but they're very rare.
- I would be a really good mom.
- If I were to become a mom, I would be a fun mom.
- I need to find a different career path but don't know how to get there.
- I love to relax
- My side of the family is very sane ;)
- I can live with simple things
- I don't have to prove anything to anyone anymore

Anyway, I'm going to go relax now and possibly have a cup of tea with my husband. Oh, and possibly catch up on Dexter! Goodnight.

Love, Melonhead

Thursday blues

I can't believe my vacation is almost over. I feel like there's still so much I want to do. However, we did accomplish a lot of one thing - relaxation! I drank a lot of red clover and barley tea, slept in, had a couple great workouts, cleaned up the house and arranged my new "zen" room, and cuddled with my husband. I couldn't really ask for more. Oh! And that same husband is, at this very moment, baking an apple pie with apples from our tree outside! These things are HUGE. The apples are the size of my two fists put together, it's insane. Yum, I can't wait.

Being that it's already Thursday, I'm already starting to feel a little anxiety over going back to work. I take it that that means I really don't like my job. That's okay though, I already knew that. I've just really enjoyed being home for a week. Tomorrow, I have an ultrasound appointment to check my follicles, then I'm planning to do a mean cardio workout after. J and I are planning to have an IUI done this cycle as well, but we'll see how my follies pan out. I'm a little nervous about it since I've never had it done, but I've heard some women get some great results from it. Wish me luck!

Love,
Melonhead

Keeping Melonhead sane

Today, I turned my den into a craft/music room! I think I'll actually call it my "zen" room. I am so happy with it and so glad that j and i took the time to do it. I also realized that I have a TON of stuff! Not a bad thing, but wow, that took a long time to organize. :) Here are some pics!

Vacations, Red Clover & Gyne Chord

Praise the good Lord, I am off this entire week! J and I are planning to relax, get a few things done around the house, and have a pizza day. Doesn't that sound blissful? I think that's just what we need! I am definitely on the path towards happy. Now...if I can keep it up after I get back from vacation.... :)

Yesterday, we both had a massage and saw the chiropractor to get adjusted. Then I went and had a great workout afterwards, and came home where we both proceeded to take a nice afternoon nap. Remember how I said it was too much energy to ignore everyone? Well, Kelly called during my nap and asked if we had plans for dinner. I said no, and her and Ken ended up coming over for some of my yummy chicken adobo. While I was dreading it at first, it actually ended up being a nice, relaxing evening with them. We watched New Girl, played cards, and ate some apple crumble pie. Yum! Like I've said before, my relationship with Kelly has always been easy. Things just get awkward and complicated when Jenn comes around, so I try to stay away whenever she's in the picture!

I had my 2nd acupuncture appointment today, and it went great! She said I looked a lot better (not sure if that was a compliment or not) and I told her that I think I'm feeling more relaxed. At the beginning of each appointment, she checks my pulse and looks at my tongue. I didn't really want to ask why the 1st time, but this time I did, and she explained that in ancient Chinese medicine, those were the vital ways they could tell how somebody was feeling. The Chinese had to be really observant, so for women for example, the tongue is the only "internal" organ you could see from the outside. Now I know the tongue isn't technically an interal organ, but I guess it kind of makes sense. If the tongue looks bad, it is probably a good indication that something else is wrong. Through the pulse, she can feel the energy in your body and how it's reacting to certain things. So for the actual procedure itself, she put needles in the same spots as before, but put a few on my belly as well...I'm assuming to help with fertility. I laid there for 30 minutes on my back, and it was really relaxing to just practice my breathing exercises and listen to the rain outside. I almost fell asleep! :) When she came back in, she "tested" a few homeopathic remedies on me....meaning she took small vials of them, laid them on my arm, and I guess she could tell which ones my body wanted to take. I ended up going home with some red clover (to make as a tea) to help with blood flow and Gyne-Chord, which is supposed to help with detoxification of the reproductive organs. I figure it can't really hurt, right? :)

So far, two days down, not so shabby. Why does time have to go by so fast during vacation? Ugh!

mmmmm tea.......and the mantra that I wish existed in my life everyday....

Love,
Melonhead

The simple things

You know, I use this blog as an outlet and I often forget to write about the things that make my life wonderful. For example, for the last couple hours, J and I have been on the couch reading our books and drinking tea. It's quiet and peaceful, and I absolutely love it. J fell asleep, and I'm looking at him, Walter asleep on the floor by the back door, and my two cats asleep on the couch with us. They all look so content and happy that I can't help but stare. I sure do love the simple things sometimes.

Love,
Melonhead

Chicken & Dumplings

What a relaxing, lovely day with my husband and wife (yes, I have a wife too). J and I went to visit Sola (the wife) to help her with a couple things around the house, and of course just to visit. We made chicken & dumplings, which was the perfect thing to eat on a nice autumn day, and sat around watching the football game and Lion King with her beautiful daughter. Of course Sola and I reverted back to our old movie watching days and made fun of everything we could on Lion King. For example while they were singing "Can You Feel the Love Tonight," Sola asked "Do you think they were singing that in their heads....?" And when Scar took over Pride Rock, why did everything die including all the fish in the rivers? Were Mufasa and Simba magic lions? And you think that's bad...you should have heard us back in highschool while we watched Titanic over the phone. "Never let go Jackkk, never let go...." Oh, how I love Sola. She is always a breath of fresh air for me. It's just nice to get away from my small-town life sometimes.

I decided yesterday at some point that it was too much energy to completely ignore Jenn and Kelly. It's not in my nature to be a complete bitch ,and I think I'd just be playing into their games a little too much by letting them know they're getting to me. Ignoring them would've done that, I think. Jenn had texted me yesterday and I answered her, which inevitably led to a phone call that I didn't really want to answer, but did anyway. We didn't talk about much except Jack's 30th birthday party and when she was planning to have it, so nothing too interesting. Sometimes she can be pretty funny and pleasant, but unfortunately I have to have my guard up at all times so I can't ever really truly enjoy a conversation with her. I don't know if I'll ever be at peace with my sister-in-law, but I sure hope I can. Or at least I hope I can come to terms with her behavior and just not give a crap.

Jenn told me that Grandma is going home today, which is good news. Her BP was up today, but it's looking like she'll be fine as long as she follows up with a cardiologist. That's actually another annoying thing about Jenn - she seems to always know everything that's going on with everyone. Then she likes to call the rest of us to tell us that she knows what's going on. My mother-in-law hasn't called to tell us what's going on with grandma today, so I know she didn't do her normal rounds of calling everyone. Which means Jenn called her, which she does EVERYDAY. Literally, everyday. I know, I probably look way too much into these things, but I guess in my position, you just end up doing that. You wonder things like "why didn't anyone call me?" or "why am I always the last to find out?" Then you realize - aha! It's not that you're the last to find out, it's that you're patient, and Jenn is always probing everyone to be the first to find something out. It's kind of sad, really. Sometimes I wonder how my mother-in-law can stand to talk to her everyday, especially after knowing how she feels about her.

Okay, I digress. I think I've probably blogged enough about my trials and tribulations with my sister-in-laws, and I really need to stop. But again, this is my blog to relieve stress and I think it's definitely helping. I haven't blown up at anyone yet. ;)

I have the whole next week off, yay! J and I are going to just relax and do some things around the house, and go to a couple things we never get to do. Like go to Pike Place Market, blow glass, and maybe go to a museum. (I'm trying to give the guy a little taste of culture...) Tomorrow, I'm getting a massage and will see the chiropractor, and so will J. Tuesday, I have another acupuncture appointment. Woop woop! I'm hoping to find some good energy this week and truly de-stress.

Love,
Melonhead

Dreams

I had a dream last night that my sister in laws were being cliquey as usual. We were at a family get-together, and it was actually pretty normal. And really, it wasn't anything special, they were just hovering in a room together, away from me, looking at something on the computer. Pretty nominal and stupid. But when I woke up, I was really sad about it. I guess they're bothering me more than usual, and even something that trivial was making me upset. Usually the feelings I have during a dream tend to fade away as I wake up, but this one didn't go away for awhile. I would assume that's probably because that's how they always make me feel, I'm just not always quite as vulnerable to it. But I feel better now, now that I've woken up 2 hours earlier than I wanted to and the dream has, for the most part, faded away and the sting isn't quite as prominent.

I guess I just didn't have to feel this way and I wish I wasn't so jealous. It sucks.

What a crappy day

Today was one of those days where I should've just stayed in bed. Literally, should have just kept the covers over me and kept sleeping. Because as soon as I got up, it turned to shit.

Okay, maybe not right as I got up, but pretty soon after, J and I got into a tiff about whether or not he put the flea stuff on Walter and the cats. Since they've been pheasant hunting lately, and I swear I've had some bug bites on my leg, he promised last night that he would do it in the morning. Alas, he didn't. And he didn't tell me so until he was right about to head out the door, running late as usual. Of course I said in my typical whiny voice "But you said you would...." and he was exasperated and unwillingly took a few extra minutes to do the deed. Well I was upset with his attitude, even though I was trying really hard not to be irritated, that small thing kind of ruined the rest of my day.

I spent the drive to work on the phone with J as he was on his way to work telling him how I couldn't rid of this feeling that the rest of the day was just going to SUCK because of this morning. And I was right! But I'm sure it was because I attracted every single bit of negative energy today. I got to work, and realized I forgot lunch. Damn it! I was so not doing a good job of letting things go at this point. I tried to make myself some tea and slowly sift through my emails, just like the past few days where it was actually kind of relaxing. Then I run into an e-mail that was supposed to be dealt with yesterday while I was gone, and no one had bothered to fix the issue. So I proceed to try and fix that issue, and by the time I'm done, a lovely elderly woman wants to take all her money out of her annuity that she never should have purchased in the first place. My banker isn't licensed to deal with her, so of course I have to do it. I wasted a good 45 minutes listening to the 105 reasons why she had to take the money out, all of which I really didn't care about because LAST time she came to see I had already heard it all. All of it. After that was all said and done, I had another elderly lady (same one that wasted my time last week) come to my desk (with no appointment of course) because she couldn't remember what we did with her CD last week. Lady, we just left it in there to renew! We really didn't do anything because she didn't want to and I honestly did not want to confuse her anymore by putting her into something new. Unfortunately, I failed because she's still as confused as ever. I've tried to tell her she needs to bring her daughter in so that someone else knows what's going on with her money, and so that her daughter could help her. It's just so sad how many of my customers don't want to involve their children when they really need to. Or at least involve someone else so we're not having the same conversation every week.

Please don't think that I hate little old ladies, I really truly enjoy their company, but it is extremely tiresome to repeat the same thing over and over again. So anyway, after that, J calls to tell me his grandma was having chest pains and that it's probably nothing to worry about, but she's going to the hospital anyway. This in itself was not fun news to hear, and I was really worried about her. I felt terrible for thinking this next thought....but I had been doing such a good job avoiding J's family this week that I was seriously dreading having to talk to someone in J's family because of what happened to his grandma. It was seriously giving me anxiety. And then of course, right on cue, Jenn texts me with "Hey you! Feels like I haven't talked to you in forever. How are you?" (Oh and PS, she texted the same thing to me last night, but I ignored her.) I waited a couple hours and said "Hey, doing great just busy busy. Hope you have a good weekend" Nothing too nice, nothing too bitchy. And of course she texts back with "Do u have plans tonight?" Eek! I am so not good at this avoiding people thing. I consulted Sola and J and they both told me to tell her I was busy, so I just said "Yeah I'm sorry." I was waiting her to text back asking me what time I would be done with whatever I was doing, and I got so lucky because all I got was "Okay, let me know when you have a night available so we can get together." Whew! And that was the end of that, thank goodness.

Looking back at what I just wrote, she really doesn't sound bitchy. But I guess, the best way to explain why I had so much anxiety over it is simply - She's manipulative. She hasn't sent me texts like that in a really long time, and I feel like she only sent them because I haven't been talking to her lately. She wanted to throw the ball in my court and see if I'd bounce it back so she could find out a little bit of what's going on in my life. Well I didn't give her much, so she tried to get more. I still didn't give her much, and thank goodness she stopped because knowing me, I probably would've given her too much. Enough to make me feel bad about myself. How the hell does she even have this affect on me? It's insane.

Anyway, the rest of day consisted of more customer service crap that as a manager, I really don't think I should have to do. That's why I have bankers and client service managers. Ugh. Wow, this was a real bitch fest. I guess it's the perfect crappy blog to go with the perfect crappy day.

I did not channel my energy well today, and I have to admit, I stopped trying about halfway through the day. Not a great idea, but I was done with it all. But my goal is to wake up tomorrow with a different outlook because it's a different and new day. The people in my life are great and I know they will be here to support me. My husband, as rough as a morning/day we had, is an amazing man and I know he will be there no matter what.

Oh, as an update, grandma's staying overnight at the hospital because her blood pressure is being weird. For the most part, she's okay. We'll find out more tomorrow. Prayers would be appeciated. :) Goodnight all!

Love,
Melonhead

EDI and Steve Jobs

I'm in this program called EDI, which stands for Executive Development Institute. It's essentially a leadership program for minorities in leadership positions, and I am absolutely amazed how much it's made me think differently. I was nominated to go through the program last year, and that in itself was an honor since it's a $3500 program, and the bank paid for it. (wow, the bank paid for it!) I actually started the program in March of this year with a two-day kick-off in a really awesome hotel called the Cedarbrook Lodge. I met some amazing people from companies like Boeing, Weyerhauser, State Farm, REI, etc and truly had a great time. We did a lot of ice-breaker exercises, and had a couple of really great speakers. One of the speakers spoke to us about how our values growing up as asians/hispanics have hindered us from wanting to be leaders, or pushed us to be leaders. In my case, I feel that my parents really pushed me to be the best in everything...you know, the typical asian parents' lectures. I grew up telling myself that I would not/could not fail, so career-wise, I don't feel I ever did. Act as if it were impossible to fail - that's how it was. It's interesting to see the other spectrum of people that grew up with parents like mine though, the side where you were afraid to reach for what you want because you had to respect your elders, respect those that are in higher positions than yours. I'm all about respect, but I guess I never let position stop me from getting to where I wanted to go. Now, I'm very respectful to my boss and his boss, but I'm not afraid to speak up when I feel wronged. I think that comes from my dad's side of the family. ;)
Anyway, EDI met every month for the rest of the year. We also split up into smaller groups to do a community project, so we really got to know each other well. My group's job was to help a hospice care facility market into the Korean market in WA. We had to make hospice care easy to understand, find where the Koreans were living in WA, and come up with a strategy to integrate this company into that market. Not really the most interesting thing in the world, but the people in my group were great and it was fun to get together. During our monthly sessions, we learned about the different kinds of personalities people have (controller, persuader, analyzer, stabilizer) and how to deal with them as leaders. I found out that I'm a Persuader/Stabilizer essentially meaning that I'm a big people pleaser. I like to have people like me, and I will find a way to do it! :) We had sessions on how to deal with conflict and how to have really difficult conversations with your employees, and also heard from some really inspiring mentors. Unfortunately, while EDI was such an inspirational, motivating program, I think it just made me hate my job more. It's made me really take a step back and look at how much potential I have and the differences I could make. Does my job align with my ethics and values? No. Is it what I always saw myself doing? No. Does it make me happy? No. So what am I still doing here?

I graduate from EDI on November 3rd and I'm really grateful I was nominated for the program. Again, I've met some amazing people that I know I'll keep in touch with for a long, long time. Oh and guess what! I'm the class speaker. :) It's like highschool all over again. Hahaha. Oh geez. The circle of life.


A great quote from Steve Jobs that I will always take to heart:

"Your time is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life. Don't be trapped by dogma - which is living with the results of other people's thinking. Don't let the noise of other's opinions drown out your own inner voice. And most important, have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary."

Steve Jobs

Love,

Melonhead

Barley Tea

I was chatting with a co-worker today about my acupuncture appointment yesterday, and turns out he's very into Chinese/Asian medicine. He recommended I try Barley tea, something you could get at Korean stores. He said it helps with relaxation and is a good replacement for coffee (sooo sad). Alas, I had J go out and buy some at the nearest Korean store, and we both tried some tonight. It's not bad actually, just tastes kind of like a light black tea. It has a nutty, pleasant flavor. J swears that it's the tea they serve at teriyaki restaurants...I'm not so sure. But I guess it's similar? I always thought they served oolong and green tea at teriyaki restaurants, but what do I know really? All I know for now is...I like it. :) One step towards a stress-free life!

I guess acupuncture must've helped me some because I tried to go about the day in a different way than usual. I woke up, looked at myself in the mirror, and told myself that I wasn't going to let things get to me like they usually do. Don't sweat the small stuff, Melonhead! So overall, it was a pretty good day I have to say! I started off my day with a nice cup of green tea, sat down at my desk, and read the news. Then I went through my e-mails, and even though my boss had sent a bazillion useless e-mails about things we already knew about, I told myself to just let him be the way he is. I just kind of chuckled at it, made a joke in my head, and went about my day. We opened the doors, and for the most part the morning was pretty slow. I went through my to-do list and finished it off with a couple of customers in between. Overall, not a bad morning. The afternoon was a little more busy, but I continued to stay positive, and forced myself to have more "yin" throughout the day. I took small breaks, and made sure I went away from my desk for lunch. During lunch, I read my book (currently reading The Help) and ate some soup. It was nice and peaceful, and I made sure to take my full hour. If my book wasn't so good, I would've taken a nap. After lunch, I made some phone calls, but couldn't really get ahold of anyone, which normally is a little frustrating but it was okay today. I even got to eat some birthday cake! Just a little bit of course. :)

I had a funny conversation with a co-worker today about the superpowers we would have if we were able to have them. I said I'd like to be able to be invisible, and he said he'd like to be able to see people naked hahaha. He didn't have a good reason other than pure entertainment, while my selfish reason was to listen in on conversations. Haha. I guess that stems from some insecurity I must have somewhere in this crazy brain of mine. I have a constant fear that people are saying things behind my back, and honestly, they probably are. I'm not a super duper social butterfly, but I can be one when I want to be. I just also like my alone time, which I don't think social butterflies really understand, so they probably talk about people like me. "Oh she never wants to hang out, so we don't have to invite her." No it's not that I never want to hang out, it's that I don't always want to hang out. Big difference. So yes, I think it would be nice to be invisible in order to take the guesswork out of what I think people might be saying about me. I'm sure that's a double-edged sword, but for now that's what I would say is my superpower wish. I also think it would awesome to be able to fly!

Anyway, I'm going to go drink some barley tea now and watch me some Criminal Minds, yay! I have the Ringer recorded, but the hubs isn't really into it, so I'll watch that when he's working. :) Wish me some yin!

Love,
Melonhead

Acupuncture and learning to relax

I had my first acupuncture appointment today and thought it was an interesting experience. Good, but an interesting good. I walked in there with no expectations really, but walked out feeling decent overall. First, she went over my history, what I was struggling with (stress, fertility), and what I wanted to accomplish. She was really easy to be open and honest with, and it helped that I felt like she's worked with people like me before. And she has, I just didn't know this right away. We talked about the types of things that stress me out, mainly work. The nature of my job makes me a competitive person, and we both agreed that that carries into all sectors of my life causing irritability, tension, and for the most part anger. She explained from her experience, women like me have lots of yang (meaning fast, focus, aggressive, go-go-go) but don't have enough yin (down-time, rest, sleep, me-time). In order for eggs to develop into nice, rich eggs, they essentially need a good rhythm to help them grow correctly - a good balance of yin and yang. With rich and healthy developed eggs comes good and strong progesterone levels which in turn help carry pregnancies to full term. Her thought process is if we can get my body into a good rhythm to help develop my eggs correctly, I should hopefully get everything I need to have a healthy pregnancy and hopefully become less stressed. The whole regimen will include acupuncture treatments (to help keep the energy flowing because I guess it's pretty stagnant right now), no caffeine (yikes!!), exercise (lots of yang), breathing exercises, yoga, and more sleep.

The acupuncture treatment itself was not painful at all, just a little warm and tingly at the beginning. She left me in the room with 4 needles in my head, 4 in my ears, 4 on my hands, and 4 on my feet for about half an hour, then came back and said I had a lot of energy escaping from my head. Now, it's my first appointment so I'm naturally a little skeptical. She asked if my head felt more clear, and I said yes because it actually did, but I'm not sure if that's because of the needles or because I was in that quiet room surrounded by ethereal music by myself and couldn't help but clear my thoughts....so I guess I'll have to see next time. ;) I enjoyed the appointment overall because at the end, we had a plan to overcome my battle with stress and infertility. I could tell she that she wasn't really into western medicine, but she absolutely understands why women like me choose to go to a fertility specialist. She seemed glad that I came to her and told me that she would do her best to be extra support on top of whatever my doctors are recommending. I thought she was very sweet and knowledgeable, but a little quirky. But again, maybe that's just me being skeptical of chinese medicine. However, I'm really beginning to think that the Chinese have had this medicine stuff down from the very beginning. They are so healthy and they seem so stress-free in comparison to those of us in America. America is so full of hustle and bustle and we never put our physical and mental health first. It's so much more about money and status vs. health, balance, and peace of mind. Maybe we could really learn something from them, eh?

Other than my acupuncture appointment, there was nothing else too exciting about my day. I went to work this morning, had a meeting with my team and a private banker, sifted through emails, and helped a few clients. I did get a little peeved with one of my business partners as they seem to think that branch managers are their little bitches and should do all the work for them. To explain, I have a business client who is threatening to leave the bank because another bank is quoting them less fees. This business client uses a LOT of our complicated services including direct deposit, ach, treasury management, etc. All of these cost money, and that's why we have a certain program that they can be a part of to lump all the fees together, which they are a part of. I asked my business banker to help me review their account to see if we could save them any money, and then meet with the client so she could explain the new program to them. My business banker proceeded to work up some quotes, sent me an email with lots of business banker mumbo jumbo that I don't understand or really care to understand, then told me I needed to explain it to the client and let her know what they decide. Uh...NO, I'm not the BUSINESS banker, you are, and you can explain all this CRAP that I was not trained to explain to the BUSINESS client. My job is to get you business and once the client is a BUSINESS client, you as the BUSINESS banker handle all their banking needs and questions. The annoying thing is - all of our partners do this. Our mortgage advisors, our financial advisors, our business bankers - They all expect us to refer them people and deals, but once they get the people and the deals, they expect the branch managers to do all the shit-work once they're clients. Branch managers have to play so many hats including fire-putter-outter, fee-reverser, seller, loan officer, financial advisor, THERAPIST and at the end of the day, we have the highest goals and we get paid the least for what we do. It's just BS.

Okay, now that I've extracted that from my brain, I wanted to list some things I was thankful for today and remind myself to LIVE SIMPLY:

- J
- My animals
- Co-workers I can vent to
- My bff Sola who entertains me throughout the day with funny texts
- The hot cup of peach tea in front of me in a polka dot mug
- Acupuncture
- Hot baths
- Fall and coziness

Love,
Melonhead

Dexter and Banking

J and I are watching Dexter tonight since he was on shift last night. I'm so stoked! I love Dexter. What an awesome series. I'm more excited to just cuddle up with my hunnie on the super comfy couch in front of the fire and have a relaxing night.

I'd have to say that work is at least 60% of the stress that I carry. I'm a bank manager at Bank of Duhmerica (not the real name...DUH, and no it's not Bank of America), and while I love managing people, I cannot stand the stupidity and irrationality of some of my customers (and sometimes employees). My job requires a colossal amount of patience that I can't have each and everyday. The typical consumer should have a budget: Income minus expenses = Whatever you have left to spend on other crap. This should not be a negative number right from the get-go! And if it is, it's NOT the bank's fault. And it's definitely not MY fault. Sure I get it, the banks charge ridiculous fees...I know. I've been there. But you can't expect to spend your money frivolously to the point where you have no idea where your balance is, you just *think* you have $5...just enough for that pack of smokes. Unfortunately, now that pack cost $5.50 + an extra overdraft charge. Oh, and I also get that this happens sometimes. We all screw up, we've all done it. But don't - I repeat DON'T - come into the bank yelling at the manager expecting her to reverse every single one of your 8 charges. Yelling at me isn't going to do you any good, I'll probably just kick you out. Tell me your entire story calmly, but don't have high expectations. If it's not our fault, we're not going to reverse all of them. Would you expect to pay for a stolen item that you didn't steal?

Oh, and I love little old ladies, but I don't love it when they take up 20 hours of your day telling you about each and every one of their little grandkids and how they were born. Then they forget why they even came into the branch, and you have to sit through another 20 hours of listening to the story about their friend Bertha who lost her memory at 67 and how she's so lucky compared to her. Then of course, and this never fails, there's the story about how back in the day, she remembers how the bankers used to hand-write all the new accounts in a book and keep track of each person's balance everyday. Yada yada yada. I honestly just do not have the time to enjoy these stories as much as I normally would....I think. I know that they're lonely, and I try really hard to keep this plastered smile on my face as if I'm truly engaged by what they're saying. But really, I just don't have the time.

One more thing - don't come into the branch one minute before closing to open a super complicated trust account. Unless of course, you want me to hate you forever.

On a good note, J and Walter (the pup) went pheasant hunting today. No birds, but I'm glad they had some happy time together. Aren't they cute?

Sisters

I've always wanted a sister. Don't get me wrong, I love my two younger brothers. They are smart, funny, and awesome, but I'm a girl and I've always wanted a sister to share clothes and secrets with. Now I know sister-in-laws are different, but when I got married I was pretty stoked that I'd be gaining 2 sisters. Unfortunately for me, it's not really what I expected and actually has turned out to be quite the opposite. I love my sister-in-laws dearly, but tend to find myself feeling like the 3rd wheel a little too often. J is the middle of three brothers, the oldest being Jack and the youngest being Ken. (not real names of course!) Jack is married to Jenn, and Ken has been dating Kelly seriously for about 4 years now. (I call her my sister-in-law because she pretty much is and it's easier)  All three brothers and their dad are firefighters, and hubby is the only one that works in a different department and a different shift. Naturally because of schedule conflicts, J and I get left out of a lot of dinners, events, yada yada. It's okay really, we're used to it by now and we get a chance to enjoy our quality alone time together. But, as you can probably imagine, there are a lot of times where I feel like we're the odd couple out. Like this weekend, where Jack, Jenn, Kelly and Ken went to Leavenworth without inviting us.

There's a much longer backstory here, but the short of it is: Jenn and I have never had an easy relationship. We're just very different. She likes to be competitive - I don't really care either way. She loves to be surrounded by people - I enjoy my time alone. She likes to give her strong opinions - I try to be tactful and not offend people. She's also incredibly moody, and I never know which version I'm going to get. She's also had this possessive nature and sense of entitlement over my husband's family because she was the first "girlfriend" to come along, and it's really quite annoying. We've had some great times and she can be really fun, really sweet, and caring, and I know she would be there for me in a heartbeat. It's just never been easy. Kelly and I, on the otherhand have always had an easy relationship. She's 7 years younger than me, and actually lived with us for a little bit. She's pretty easy-going, has the same sense of humor as me, and is overall very sweet. We've had some good times just watching movies and drinking coffee, and playing video games with our boys. When Ken started on the same shift as Jack and his dad, Jenn and Kelly started spending a lot more time together, which makes sense. I'm sure I would too. Naturally, I constantly feel left out and a little bit jealous of their time together. I also feel like Kelly isn't the same, and in some ways, is starting to act like Jenn a bit. It makes me sad, but I figure I really should just suck it up and move forward. But when they decided to leave us out of their little road trip to Leavenworth this weekend, I just about had a mental breakdown about this entirely f'ed up situation. Neither of us were working yesterday, why wouldn't they have bothered to even just invite us? I'm sure the excuse was "well we didn't think you guys would come" but how would you know if you don't bother to ask? I guess the way I see it is, we're family, regardless of whatever you think we're going to say, an invite should always be given. No, we're not always going to want to come to every trip, every event, and every party. We are married afterall, and enjoy our time alone. I also work Monday-Friday 9-5pm, so I don't have all the time in the world. But, you should always ask. I know I would. Especially for a little road trip!

I feel like I'm being a big baby, but I guess this whole thing really hurt me. I think it's been hurting me for a long, long time. It's constant and I can't seem to make it go away. I'm hoping that writing about it will help. J and I argued about it last night. He just doesn't seem to get why I can't just let it go and why it bothers me so much. I often wonder how he doesn't feel left out when his two brothers and dad are constantly doing things without him, but he is a dude afterall. Things like that don't affect men like they do women. Sigh.

I feel really ashamed about this, but I basically told J that I wanted to try to have very little contact with his family for awhile. I guess I didn't say earlier, but we live in a very VERY small town. J grew up here, and my in-laws all live at the most 7 minutes away. This can be convenient at times, but for the most part I feel like I can't get away. So I need some space. J has graciously agreed to also minimize his contact with his family (someone will call him at least once a day) to help me come back to sanity. But unfortunately, we've tried this before but there's always a birthday or some big event where we eventually end up having to see them. His dad's birthday is this weekend, and I don't want to be a bitch and not show up. But it just goes to show that I will never be able to get away from the madness. It's such a huge stress in my life, and I can't seem to get away from it. But again, I'm hoping that writing about it will ease how heavy it is on my heart. We'll see!

Now, I know this has been insanely long, but since I'm on the topic of sisters - I am extremely grateful for my best friend, Sola. I've known her since 1st grade, and she pretty was like a sister growing up. And we only lived 2 minutes away from eachother! We went to a Boyz II Men concert last night and they were AMAZING. We were such huge fans when we were in highschool, but we never got to see them in concert! We had such a good time, and it's always a breath of fresh air when we get together. We live about an hour and a half away from eachother, so it can be hard to get together sometimes, but it's always worth it. To this day, she's still the only person that knows everything about me and the only person that I know for a fact would never judge me. I know this because she never has. I love her!

Pilot

If my life were a movie, I wouldn't even know how to classify it. A chick flick? Comedy? Drama? Hmm...yes, probably all of the above. But if you took an x-ray to my brain and could see all the stupid trivial things I stress about, one would probably call it a full drawn-out horror/suspense film. It's insane how much time I spend playing scenarios over and over in my head until I've beat them to death. I really need to learn to let the stupid things go. The problem is - I can't decide which things are stupid. And also, to be blunt, my hubby (we'll call him J for anonymity for now) and I are trying to have babies. We've been seeing a fertility specialist for about 1 1/2 years, and have had 3 early miscarriages since. As you can imagine, the whole situation is very stressful. Everyone says "Just free yourself of the stress! Just let it go." How do you do that when you have to chart your temperatures, take medicine everyday, get ultrasounds, get hormone shots, take progesterone, and then take a pregnancy test every cycle? Most women don't even know when they ovulate!

After getting a negative pregnancy test this last cycle, I decided that I need to be more proactive with de-stressing my life. So, I started this anonymous blog not only for myself, but for any other women that want to share their trials and tribulations in eliminating stress from their lives. I need a place to extract and organize my thoughts so they don't sit in my brain all day long and make me crazy. Along with my new blog, I made an appointment to see an acupuncurist on Tuesday. I'm pretty excited about it, but I'm not really sure what to expect. The lady I'm seeing has had some good results from what I hear, and I figure it can't hurt. Maybe she can help me find some good energy and re-align my "qi." :)

To close, I'm making a list of things that make me happy. That's what this whole thing is about - the path to happy and a stress-free life.

- Hubby J
- My animals (two cats and a golden retriever pup)
- Photography
- Hot tea
- Arts & crafts
- Reading
- Music
- Cuddling
- Good movies
- Hiking/long walks
- My friends
- Shopping (when I have $$!)
- Sleeping in
- Fresh flowers
- Good food
- Dazzling conversations :)

My pup

kitties

yummy food

meow

Fall is here!

fresh flowers